Why Fight? Because you can WIN, if you STAY IN THE RING
  by Silver Rae Fox
These are all true stories. The names have been changed.
Ricky was by all descriptions, a thug. It was the the life he wanted and the only life he knew. Everbody in his family were thugs, too. Hustling and pimping was his game. Street life was how he survived, until one day he committed an unthinkable crime that sent him to prison for many years, but it was just enough time to re-think life.

Ricky knew that the biggest battle he had to fight now was in his own mind and choices. When he got out of prison, he changed his direction. A compassionate employer gave him an opportunity to work for his business, starting at the lowest end of the totem pole, requiring that Ricky basically do very menial tasks. It seemed to be a "dead end" situation as jobs go. But Ricky had decided to be faithful and dedicated to the only company that took a chance on him. Over the years, he made the climb up the ladder, became the top salesperson and ultimately, the sales manager for his company. Not only that, but he became a model of success to his family and friends.

Josie was beaten and battered beyond recognition by her boyfriend more times than she can count over an eight year period. Her life was a living hell. She couldn't see how it could ever end, but one day she found an inkling of courage when her boyfriend left home to go get cigarettes at the corner store. With the little time she had, she threw everything she could into a garbage bag, and called a taxi to meet her at a gas station two blocks away.

She left that night, running so fast down the street that she lost one of her shoes. For a split second she looked back at the shoe. She had lost her front teeth, her self-esteem and too many years of life in a bad situation, so she didn't go back for her shoe. With the help of friends, Josie went on to a new town, found a new job and a brand new life.

Kris recently had what was a standard surgery procedure, in most cases. However, when she went home several days after the surgery, she became unusually weak. In fact, she said that she felt like she was dying. The truth is, she was. In her emergency return to the hospital, doctors discovered that toxins had filled her bloodstream and, indeed, she was close to death's door. Things quickly went from bad to worse, as Kris was put on twenty-four hour watch in intensive care, living and breathing only by life-support equipment. The hospital minister stood in waiting to tell the family of her fate.

That was then, and this is now: Kris is a beautiful, vibrant, enthusiastic 43 year-old example of what faith can do and what fighting for your life is all about. She is back at work, happy and excited to be alive and so well. She said that she constantly whispered prayers to God with the little strength she had, and those prayers were answered supernaturally. Even the doctors say that her "comeback" is hard to believe.

Brenda was living the good life. She had married a wealthy, successful doctor, living in a dream home and rubbing shoulders with the elite in high society circles. However, while she had the "good life", she didn't have a good marriage. It ended abruptly when her husband fell in love with another woman, and kicked her out. With no pre-nup, no money, no direction and no plan, Brenda was at an all-time low. Her husband gave her nothing, not even her car.

Brenda had no idea how she would build a new life for herself, she just knew that she wasn't a quitter. In her own words, she says "it's not in me to stay down. I'll figure it out." She borrowed money from friends and found a cheap apartment. She couldn't afford to get the electricity turned on, so she lived by candlelight for weeks until she was able to earn her first paycheck. She rode a bike to work until she could buy a car.

With all that had gone wrong, Brenda knew she had one thing on her side. She had great people skills and managed to win a sales position with a big global company. She diligently worked her way up swiftly, becoming the number-two ranking salesperson in the entire country in just a few years.

Belinda had looked for love in all the wrong places all of her life. Always making poor choices, she was the victim of heartbreak and broken relationships time and time again. She was smart, but not when it came to falling in love. Sensitive and gullible, men always took advantage of her kind spirit and generosity.

She was strong, too, but never strong enough to leave a bad relationship. She just wanted to be loved, badly. Finally, devastated after a divorce, and while still healing, a man walked into her life who wanted love as much as she did, and as unconditionally. They got married a year and half later, and neither of them ever imagined that life could be as happy as it is for them now.

What do all of these stories have in common? They are stories of people who were faced with odds, challenges, dilemmas and difficulties. They are stories of people who despite what life had dealt them, they decided not to throw in the towel. These are stories of people who knew that if they didn't give up, maybe somehow things would turn around for them. These are stories of people who decided to believe, to battle, to get up and fight back.

The truth is, we won't always know how we are going to find the strength to fight. We don't always know what it is going to take to keep standing. We don't always know how we will win when life is throwing hard blows and punches our way, or how we will tolerate the hurt, pain and uncertainties. But, there is one thing we can learn and know from all of the people who have found the faith and fortitude to swing back: YOU CAN WIN, IF YOU STAY IN THE RING. These are all stories of people who did just that, and they won.

S.R.F.

 

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THE POWER OF WON'T by Silver Rae Fox

WILLPOWER. There’s always so much “ado” about it.  You want to lose weight? Use your willpower. You want to break a bad habit? Use your willpower. You want to achieve something? Use your willpower. You need courage to get something done? Use your willpower.

The definition of willpower is “the ability to control oneself and determine one's actions” (World English Dictionary), which implies that if we are to be successful in most things we need this ability, right?

That was a trick question. It sounds right. However, I’m inviting you to entertain the thought of having what I am going to coin as “WON’T POWER”. Now, I know you are wondering what the heck is “WON’T POWER”? I am glad you asked.  Let me explain.

Consider this: WILLPOWER seems to require an insightful look at behaviors in ourselves that we must examine and manage, especially when we recognize that those behaviors are seeking control regarding a particular situation.  For instance, let’s day you have decided to diet.  Typically, when you feel hunger and a desire for food that doesn’t fit your diet plan, you counteract, or fight the urges with “willpower”. Therefore,  attempting  to resist eating whatever it is you want to treat yourself to.

Likewise, if you have a habit you want to break, maybe it’s biting your nails. Once you realize your fingers are headed toward your mouth, the first thought that kicks in is that you have to use “will power” to stop this nervous behavior.

Or, suppose you have a goal, but you keep thinking of reasons to not forge ahead.  Everyone keeps telling you that you have to have the “will power” to make it happen, and even you know yourself that's partially and probably true.

All of these scenarios imply a proactive approach to achieve something. The problem is that in so many cases like the ones I’ve described, you just don’t always know how to come up with enough of this “willpower” from within to combat all of the existing “messaging” that lives inside your head, let alone knowing how to keep responding and reacting to it at full force. 

I have a discovered a different theory that I believe can help you achieve results faster and perhaps, permanently. It’s a technique I use. I call it the POWER OF WON’T.

The thing I like about this is that the word “won’t” has  an underlying sense of defiance in it. It sounds strong and commanding. It means “NO” in an emphatic way, depending on how you are using it. So, with that in mind, I propose this to you:  Is it easier to look a piece of your favorite cake and say with bold resistance “I WON’T eat that”, or to be in a struggle, arguing back in forth with your desire to eat it using "willpower"? Here’s my point:

Your Desire: “I want that cake.”

Your Willpower: “Yes, but you really shouldn’t eat it.”

Your Desire: “I really want it”.

Your Willpower: “Yes, it looks very good, so maybe a little slice will be okay.”

Your Desire: “Yes, I agree…just a little slice will be good!”

Well, if a little slice of cake isn’t in your diet, your willpower didn’t win.  I believe that depending on the circumstances, WILLPOWER is not nearly as effective as WON’T POWER:

Your Desire: “I want that cake.”

Your WON’T POWER: “I WON’T have cake. It’s not something I can eat on my diet. I WON’T EAT IT.”

See the difference? It’s a mental “twist”, but it works. I know this isn’t true for everyone, but WILLPOWER seems to leave room for negotiation in our psyche. WON’T POWER has NO negotiation structure. NO MEANS NO. WON’T MEANS WON’T. NO ARGUMENT. You don’t give yourself an OPTION…you say “I WON’T”.

Imagine the results you would get if you started today, right now, using the POWER OF WON’T, and began using it defiantly, boldly and with conviction and resolve:

“I WON’T let anything stop me from getting to my goals.”

“I WON’T have foods that WON’T aid in my weight loss.”

“I WON’T let this habit have control any longer. I WON’T DO IT ANY MORE.”

“I WON’T  be the victim of a bad relationship. I WON’T BE AFRAID TO LET IT GO.”

“I WON’T let fears get in the way of my dream and destiny. I WON’T LET ANYTHING STOP ME.”

“I WON’T behave the way I have been behaving with my spouse (or friends, or co-workers, or whomever).  I WON’T ACT THAT WAY.”

Now, I suggest you try it right now, not necessarily out loud, but in your strongest inner voice say it:

“I WON’T __________________!”

How did that feel? Convincing? Say it again. How did it feel that time? Determined? If so, you are on your way to discovering a new level of POWER within, the POWER OF WON’T, and I can promise you if you stick to your guns every time you come face-to-face with your issue, your WON’T POWER is going to win. 

Here’s another little bit of advice, and I am being somewhat humorous here. If you are headed to the kitchen to see if my theory works while you’re staring at cake, I’ll assure you it does. Just give it “the hand” and as you walk away say “We WON’T be meeting like this anymore. I WON’T be letting you treat like I’m someone who doesn’t know my power. I JUST WON’T.”

Yes, I  talk to my TEMPTATIONS. I talk to my OBSTACLES. I  talk to the DISTRACTIONS. I talk to cake, ice cream, butter, bread and all manner of good gooey stuff that attempt to win my attention. And, you know what? I WON’T BE DETERRED BY ANY OF IT.  I JUST WON'T.

Enough said. Think about claiming YOUR WON’T POWER, one temptation, obstacle, distraction and goal at a time. Something tells me that in no time you’re going to be really good at this!

S.R.F.

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YOUR NEGATIVE THOUGHTS: ARMED AND DANGEROUS

There is a thief on the loose, and it’s called NEGATIVE THINKING. Maybe you know what I'm talking about because you've had an unpleasant encounter with this slick attacker. Negative thinking comes and goes so fast that, in most cases, you don’t even realize all that has been stolen from you. It happens faster than you can say, "what just happened?"

 Here's what I mean. Maybe you have never been a positive thinker, someone with a big dream, a wonderful plan, a grand hope, an exciting idea, giddy energy and high inspiration, a ton of motivation and a terrific outlook. If so, you may not even realize how much is possibly "missing" from your life because of your thinking. Interestingly though, even the most positive of thinkers get hit by hard times and challenges and one day wake up, and find that all of their good mental “stuff” is gone. In such cases, negative thinking will often creep in.

The perpetrator will try to steal the dream, your faith and fortitude, your hopes, and take off with your ideas and energy, leaving you feeling helpless and victimized. Does it have to?  No, it doesn’t, but we must realize that it’s the negative thinking that does it. We get the very rug pulled from under us by this criminal that tells us there is no reason to try again, start again or believe again. Unfortunately, we can’t arrest this attacker or call 911 for help, because this “thief” has been allowed protection under the law of your very own mind. That's the case, until you change the law.

Negative thinking comes on the scene of your mind and works so quickly, never fearing its own repercussions. Negative thinking can go straight back to its safe abode, right inside your mind, and never worry about being caught. At least, not until you realize how vicious this culprit is, and not until you have come to realize who and what it is that has been stealing your faith and your future. These negative thoughts are armed with the ability to pounce on you unexpectedly, and they are so dangerous that you can find that your whole life and many a great opportunity and choice has been taken by its wild and terrorist ways.

How do you stop the awful, mental intrusions? How do you guard against the break-ins? How do you combat its mean forces when you hardly see it coming? How do you protect your mind against its aggressive attacks? How do you keep the negative thinking thief from stealing your best life?

Here’s a tip: The first thing is to understand that just as much as we say that there is power in positive thinking, there is also power in negative thinking. It is a reality. It is true. You will walk into a more promising day or even destiny when you believe you deserve to, and when you believe in opportunity, and when you know that many obstacles in life can be overcome. On the other hand, when you believe that no matter how hard you try, nothing good will come to you, that you never get the “good breaks”, that at each and every turn there is a stumbling block that will prevent you from gaining success, you are getting seriously ripped off.

Those thoughts, that kind of negative thinking, has just stolen your ability to understand that opportunities are truly open game for anyone, that “breaks” come when you keep applying faith and fortitude to your life, projects and plans, and that obstacles and stumbling blocks are a natural course of challenge for everyone, not just especially or necessarily picked out to pick on you and your plans.

Secondly, you must make every attempt to change your perspective about what you see; you know all about the “the glass being half full or half empty” thing.  Perspective is powerful. Perspective will gauge what decisions you will make, what directions you’ll take and just how far you believe you can go. If you tell yourself, or should I say if you let negative thinking tell you “there’s no way you can do that”, there’s no way you’ll succeed”, there’s no way, no way, NO WAY…”, well you just got robbed AGAIN. Negative thinking took hold of your belief system, your belief in yourself and your belief in your dream.  You must beware of the schemes. Negative thinking is slick, quick and full of tricks.

I know some will say “I’m not being negative. I am being realistic.”  I am being realistic, too, when I tell you that negative thinking will swipe you of all of your goods. You want a good chance at things. You want the good things to come your way. Those “good things” are right before you, but negative thinking has this way of stealing you blind, because you didn’t see that as true. You didn’t believe for yourself that you are good enough to have all that you dream of. You CAN acquire your “goods”, but you have to believe you can. You do it by putting the lock on the door of your mind and not allowing negative thinking to take your positive beliefs captive. You do it by setting an “alarm” that goes off when that lowdown thief comes to approach you. You do it by recognizing that negative thinking is always lurking, so your positive thinking must be on "ready" with the ammunition that destroys it.  Here’s how you can work on keeping your mind fully loaded:

1.       1. When a destructive thought comes to mind, the ones that say “you can’t”, “you won’t”, “why try?”, “you are never going to make it”, etc., FIRE BACK!  “YES, I CAN.” “YES, I WILL.” “I AM DESERVING.” “I AM GOOD ENOUGH.”  Come up with a list of your own thoughts that express your best and most powerful and positive expressions.  Fire back hard, and often, until your belief system is feeling like your mind is safer from the negative thoughts. You’ll know, because you will start moving toward more positive things and realities with less fear and more faith.

2.        

2.   2. Write a long list of what you see for yourself, and read it out loud every day. “I SEE MYSELF in my new job as a nurse.” “I SEE MYSELF in my brand new convertible sports car (name it).” “I SEE MYSELF in a beautiful, loving relationship.” “I SEE MYSELF in my dream house”, on so on, and so on. The MAJOR POINT here is to SEE IT! VISUALIZE IT, IMAGINE IT, “TELEVISE” it in your mind. Cancel negative thinking’s plan to rip you off by SEEING, IN YOUR MIND, THE POSITIVE RESULTS YOU WANT.

3.     3.  Be on the LOOKOUT for the thief by GUARDING YOUR MIND with positive info. READ, READ, READ positive and motivating materials, books, articles, etc.  LISTEN over and over again to messages that inspire and empower you. SING songs (at the top of your lungs!) that speak to your dreams, aspirations and desires. You can have your mind BOLTED UP like Fort Knox if you put enough security and protection around it. Expect that negative thoughts will still try to break in, but that’s when you break out your ammunition and start targeting every attempt with your toughest defense: KEEPING YOUR GUARD UP. DEMAND THOSE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS TO GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD AND OUT OF YOUR WAY.

Start today, right now, and decide to never be robbed again of any of the things you want. Change the laws of your own thinking. Be determined to never allow negative thinking an opportunity to steal every possibility and potential for a great life. Negative thinking is armed and dangerous, but with enough effort on your part, when it shows up again with its wily ways and vicious attempts, your new mentality with be under lock and key.

S.R.F.

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A NEW YOU? REALLY?!

It's February 1^st, already. It seems like it's only been a minute since we made all those New Year’s resolutions. Yeah, it was just last month. How time flies when you are trying to do life, and keep up with what you said you would do to be a “new you” this year!  A “new” YOU…really? That is what you said, isn’t it? 

I imagine some of you swore off "sweets", while others decided to stop eating chicken or something. My guess is that millions of us faithfully confessed we would lose weight and exercise more, launch a dream, learn to dance, watch less TV and finally write "that book", cook at home more often, find the “right” job, save more money, set up a budget, give more, volunteer, go to church, make more time for yourself, make more time for other people, climb a mountain, plan a trip, stop bad habits, give up SOMETHING, and, of course, we vowed to be just plain better at just about EVERYTHING under the sun. 

That was then. This is now, only thirty-one days later. The resolutions are feeling less and less important, if not forgotten, and you are about to be your same “O.K. self” once again. You’re flat lining on your 2012 promise at the expense of not doing that fantastic “thing” you want to do, or becoming that fabulous and fierce somebody you vowed you were going to become this year,  and from now on. My, oh my. Say it isn’t so!

Well, whatever it was that you decided would help you "do" more and "be" more, I wanted to offer you a little encouragement to stay the course, stay on the wagon and stay committed. Some of us just need a little re-charging, if you will. I get it, so here goes:

 1. YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO DO THIS! And now you're feeling what? Like giving up and giving in? GOD FORBID! Change ain't always easy.  YOU CAN DO IT! Don't depend on anyone else to help you make this happen. YOU MAKE IT HAPPEN! Other people can encourage you and support you, but I suggest YOU be your own coach and cheerleader. In other words, be IN IT TO WIN IT, BABY!

 2.  “IT'S NOT GOING TO MATTER IF I DON'T DO IT”.  It mattered on January 1st, and now it doesn't??? O.K., that's enough of that backdoor attitude! If your resolution was spoken earnestly and honestly, don't try to slip out the back way on yourself as if no one else will notice. Maybe no one else will, but you know the deal. Just because it feels a little hard and challenging, DON’T ALLOW YOURSELF TO QUIT and say it doesn’t matter. Remind yourself of all of the reasons that IT DOES! You’re worth it. You deserve it. You need it for your very own important reasons.

3.  SELF-IMPROVEMENT CAN GO A LONG WAY. When you set special goals for yourself and you accomplish them, it really does make you feel better about yourself, all over. You feel good. You feel happier. You feel prouder. You feel more fulfilled. You feel important. You feel more complete. You feel self-assured. You feel confident. You feel like a conqueror. Life can even feel better. NEED I SAY MORE? You wouldn’t want to trade those new and wonderful feelings of SELF-ESTEEM and ACCOMPLISHMENT for the world, would you? I didn’t think so.

So now, let’s do it again: RE-COMMIT. Re-commit today, and re-commit tomorrow, and re-commit the next day, and the next day after that. Yes, sometimes it can be a real challenge to stay on track and take yourself to your next level, but you want to be a “new you”, right? YOU CAN BE, and you better believe it! HAPPY NEW YOU, Friend!

S.R.F.

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Emotional Intelligence: How SMART are you behaving?

The other day I was preparing to teach a class on Conflict Resolution, and as I scanned my notes before start time I had an interesting revelation regarding Emotional Intelligence. If you don’t know, emotional intelligence is the learned ability and capacity to understand and manage your emotions.  It also means having a good perception and understanding of the emotions of others. That morning it occurred to me that the whole world would be a much different place if we were truly able to master the concepts that emotional intelligence theory suggests.

Behavioral scientists tell us that it is no easy matter to stay in control of our emotions.  It takes work to get in touch with yourself that deeply.  It takes practice, especially for those emotions that don’t seem controllable. It takes a high level of proactive forethought to manage the outlandish range of furor we experience on any given day and at any given moment. We tend react without thinking so much of the time. We respond to people and situations without first stopping to analyze our actions and words. We do and say stuff in response to life, circumstances and situations that fall way short of what could be called emotionally intelligent. However, the good news is that we can learn how, and we can learn now.

Why is emotional intelligence important? Well, consider a few scenarios I’ll describe for you. The other day I saw a man inside the Target store call his wife “stupid” several times. “That was stupid. You’re stupid. You are SO STUPID.”  His wife hung her head slightly, offering some excuses for her “stupidity”. I kept looking on.  I had a surprised and displeased expression on my face and said to myself, “NO HE DIDN’T.  He did not just call her stupid out in front of all these people.” But, yes, he really did. In my opinion, there was no consideration for her feelings, or the fact that they were out in public and everything he was saying could be overheard. I felt her hurt and embarrassment.

On another day inside Walgreen’s, a woman totally lost her cool while talking on her cell phone. She was yelling at someone on the other end, using curse words that I had never even heard before. She walked around for several minutes picking up items, while still raging wildly. She even stood in line still crazed and cussing. She barely paused from her tirade to search for her wallet and pay for the items she was purchasing. She left so emotionally charged up that it was scary. When I walked out, I saw that her car was close by the entrance and she was inside gesturing wildly and still screaming obscenities. WHEW!

Sometime ago I was at the post office standing at one of the counter tables working on a mailing project. It was around seven o’clock in the evening in late November, so it was already dark outside. A man came inside with a little boy who looked to be around six or seven years old. The man walked with a limp, almost dragging one leg in a slow, but even stride. He had a stack of mail in his hand. The little boy seem so excited to be with his Daddy, and was  jumping up and down and skipping around like kids do. I smiled when I heard him say, “Daddy, can I put the mail in?” He was now jumping up and down in place as he made the request. His Dad gave him an interesting look of disregard, and put the mail in the drop box himself. The son offered up a quick pout, and a few words of disappointment, and said “You said I could do it.”

I was still smiling as I looked on, but within a split second I saw this man ball up his fist and hit his son square in the face, hard, knocking him to the floor. The little boy shimmied fast away from his father, scooting backwards along the floor. The man moved as fast as he could, dragging that bad leg, but nonetheless moving more quickly than the boy. Next came a kick. Then, another kick. The boy got up crying and ran outside to the car. I stood there speechless, and frozen in fear.

It was dark and the parking area was dimly lit, but I watched the man head to the car. It was then that I realized that Mom was in the car, too. As I watched from the doorway, I saw her put her arms around herself in terror. She was frozen with fear, too, and unable to come to the defense of her son. I started crying, but through my tears and shock I was able to see the license plate number. I could not believe what had just happened.  I regret to this day that I wasn’t able to do anything in the moment.

A few short weeks ago, I heard about a conflict situation that had every appearance of becoming very ugly.  This was a professional situation where an individual was planning a physical confrontation against another Individual that could potentially result in a crisis in more ways than one. The anger level in this person was all self-escalated, a situation where his own self-talk had sent him into an emotional place that had him believing  that he had to defend himself against “something” the other man was going to do to him. It was all a matter of poor, irrational perception, not reality at all. All of it was made up in his own mind. The other individual was not instigating any threats against his accuser, and he had no idea that his very life could be in danger at the time. This is sad, but true.

Well, I think you get the point. These scenarios are irrational. They lack emotional control. They lack emotional intelligence.

Of course, not all encounters are so escalated and violent, but they can be just as damaging nonetheless, to ourselves and others. Everyday incidences cause us to lose our tempers, get frayed, irritated, and come apart at the seams. We get pressed for time. Traffic is congested. Work deadlines are pending. The kids are acting crazy. People strain our nerves. Arguments arise. Things don’t go as planned. Misfortunes occur. We get bad news. We feel that we are at the end of our rope. The pent up emotions rise up into actions and before we know it, we’ve said or done something that could have been handled totally different if we had not lost our head.

For the good and bad of it, it is apparent that we are highly emotional beings. It’s in our makeup. Fortunately, most of us are rational in our thinking and doing on a daily basis. We’re not walking around trying to create drama or devising ways harm someone.  Unfortunately, some people are not as capable of controlling their emotions, and that’s when anything and everything can happen from the outrageous to the unbelievable.

Can these individuals win the emotional war against themselves? The answer is yes.  They can learn to think and react in much smarter ways. Using emotional intelligence is so necessary for our lives, relationships, peace of mind and overall happiness. When we use emotional intelligence, we create harmony. We show regard and respect for others. We love out loud instead. We are easier to live with. It’s easier to live inside our own heads as well.

It takes work, but here are a few ideas that can help us start reacting S.M.A.R.T. now:

S: STOP and START. Yes, just stop it. STOP screaming at people. STOP being angry at everything. STOP abasing everybody and cursing life. STOP harming yourself and other people. TELL YOURSELF TO STOP. Get counseling if you need it, but just STOP IT. START “STOPPING” NOW. Life will feel better sooner than you can imagine. You will, too.

M: MANAGE your attitude and emotions. Choose kinder words. Use them on yourself first. Instead of telling yourself all of the reasons that validate bad behavior, tell yourself, “If I’m kinder, people will be kinder to me. If I treat others well, I will feel good about myself. If I show love, I’ll feel the love in return.” Compliment instead of condemning. Show affection instead of anger. Have more faith and less fear. Be understanding instead of uncontrollable. Pull your own leash whenever you have to.

A: ADD positive things to your life. There are a gazillion books available on managing anger and irrational behavior. There are groups that meet frequently at hospitals and clinics to discuss difficult issues if that’s your challenge. There are therapies that can address what you are feeling. Find positive solutions that will help you get yourself and emotions under control. Don’t be willing to trade a lifetime of happiness for something you can decide you’ll change. YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR EMOTIONAL RESPONSES.

R: REALIZE that you were not born that way. That behavior is a CONDITIONED RESPONSE, which means your angry words, your irrational thinking and your angry reactions are more than likely learned behaviors due to your environment and people who handled you that way. YOU CAN UNLEARN IT.

T: THINK. THINK. THINK. THINK. THINK. THINK. THINK FIRST. THINK MORE. THINK LONGER. THINK and then SPEAK. THINK and then RESPOND. THINK and then DO SOMETHING. THINK and then REACT. THINK and then WALK AWAY. THINK and then CALM DOWN. THINK and then UNDERSTAND. THINK and then SAY TO YOURSELF, “I AM EMTIONALLY INTELLIGENT.”  It’s an age-old concept. USE IT. STOP AND THINK before you open your mouth or before you come out swinging. THINK!

You can start today. You can start right now.  Get control of your emotions and get control of your life. You don’t have to be a condemner of others, or someone who rages out of control, or a person who hurts and harms others. Instead, be SMART. Be smart enough to choose a better and brighter path to wonderful and successful interactions with everyone around you. Don’t hesitate to take this important step toward a happier and healthier life for yourself. You’ll feel so proud when everybody sees your intelligence is showing. You’ll also be a part of a wonderful, changing world – yours.

S.R.F.

Silver authors all of the articles at www.silverraefox.com, and also positive quotes at www.thepositiveprinciple.com . She has also self-published two downloadable books, an audio e-book entitled “Colored People” and “Talk Productive: A Guide for Speaking Excellence”. For additional information, visit www.shop.silverraefox.com .

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I'M JUST SAYIN'

Are You Concerned About The Size of Your "P-Ness"?

O.K., now that I have your attention, let me make this disclaimer: "P-Ness" is not meant to be gender specific or sexually defining in any way. Any such perception in incorrect. It's just a play on words to make a point.

Anyway, in this case, here's a working definition for you: the "P-Ness" I'm referring to is "an individual's personal or professional POWER, perceived, earned or otherwise."

POWER CAN BE A STRANGE THING

People want power, or at least, to feel powerful. We desire positions of respect and achievement and of course, it's healthy to feel that. We want to feel that we have accomplished something in life, or feel that we've made an impact in the world or to others around us. That's well-rounded thinking, too. Those things heighten our sense of having personal and professional power, and having that power is a good thing when you understand how to utilize it. However, sometimes strange things can happen when we get it. Even stranger things can happen when you don't. And, it gets really bizarre when you're about to lose it.

Consider a few scenarios, like Charlie Sheen, for instance. Sadly, Charlie thinks of his "P-ness " as really big, bigger than the people who made him powerful. But, you know what they say, the bigger they are...

And, what about these foreign leaders? Apparently the size of their "P-ness" has gone to their heads. Their egos far outweigh any sensible measure of what power really means and how it should be used. Enough already. Even as I write this, CNN is reporting "HEADLINE NEWS: Gudhafi Clings to Power." Still clinging...geeeeeez. Let it go already.

Then you have the old "perception is reality" theory. There are all manner of crooks who feel the need to show their "P-ness" to the world. They break the laws, steal money, identities, live fake, luxurious existences just to "appear" powerful. It's crazy, I say. Just plain crazy. I think most of could say that we really don't care how big their yachts are.

MEASURE FOR MEASURE
Yes, when the desire for power is unhealthy, it's crazy. Thank God that most of us are not like the guys I mentioned, but the real deal is that the tendency to measure your power, or "P-ness" against others is everywhere. We need to feel important, valued and significant, but things happen like losing jobs, businesses, relationships, money and suddenly we can feel zapped of our power.

When these things occur, they cause us to feel "less than". We feel "less than" other people, "less than" our neighbor, "less than" that successful person we saw on TV. We feel we've become "less than" we had hoped we would become. We think we've achieved "less than" other persons we know of personally and professionally. Based on those comparisons, we determine whether we, ourselves, are powerful people or not.

Those summations about ourselves can be a very bad thing. We certainly recognize success when we see it, but a true measure of success can also be only relative to our very own circumstances. For some, if you made it out of difficult circumstances and survived, got a good education and a good paying job, that's success. For others, if your small business made it to Wall Street, that's success. There are many great examples of how to measure success, depending on who you are and where you came from.

THE TRUTH ABOUT YOUR "P-NESS"
When we make inaccurate comparisons consciously and unconsciously, those wrong summations can stir anger, envy and distorted feelings within us. It disturbs us when we feel "inadequate", especially if we think we could've, would've and should've been more powerful than the other person.

The truth of the matter is that other people are constantly out-performing each other in some way or another. Some people have higher IQ's, are more gifted and simply more tenacious than others, and that's O.K. This doesn't mean that we can't get what those optimum performers get out of life. It's HOW YOU USE the power YOU possess for your greater good, and maybe at the same time for the greater good of others, too, that matters most. All of us will go about getting to our greatness-es differently. That's the beauty of personal power when it is measured in a healthy way. When it isn't, though, look out. It's a beast. When those perspectives of someone else being "more than me" infiltrate our rational thinking, it means trouble. It can feel ugly. It can also act ugly.

For instance, what about all of the Presidential bashing that goes on? It's ways are so brutal. I understand that all Presidents are targets of this kind of "professional bullying". I know that it's a part of the whole political game that allows hitting below the belt, but I'm still amazed at the number of "hopefuls" and media "opinionists" and other critics that have such venomous things to say about President Obama. Do you suppose that maybe it's envy of the strange and worst kind manifesting itself?

One day Obama is just a "somebody", wanting to make a difference, and then he's POTUS. It seemed to happen lightning fast, and if you happen to be of "those" with such huge aspirations as that, you may be wondering how he was smart enough to do it. It was almost magical, and, perhaps, that has been the problem with the pondering critics asking, how did he do that right before our very eyes? There were no tricks, however. No optical illusion here, but much like magic, it was quick. We blinked, and he became President.

Yes, it was achieved with the kind of quickness that might leave you feeling a bit "less than", or questioning yourself, your intentions, your abilities, and the size of your "P-Ness", and, again, much like magic, it has you still trying to figure out how he did it. My suggestion is just don't make a comparison here.

SIZE MATTERS TO SOME PEOPLE
Really? Consider the other sneaky, little ways in which the desire for power shows up in our everyday lives. Have you experienced someone who just has to out-do you? Or, when a person feels the need to cut in front of you in traffic? Or, when someone turns their nose up at you, and you have no idea why? Or, someone at work needs to get the credit for your hard work? Or, when people are jealous about your car, your house, your clothes, your career, your life? The list goes on. It's crazy, but it's real. They get upset if the size of our power seems greater than theirs, be it real or imagined.

So, what's my point? As I said, POWER can be a STRANGE THING. We have to deal with the fact that some people know how to get things done in truly amazing ways, more so than others. Some individuals are formidable, powerful forces to be reckoned with. Others walk softly, and carry a big, equally powerful but quiet personal confidence into their tasks. Others get there by "staying the course", no bells or whistles, no need for attention. It's still power. WE ALL HAVE IT IN VARYING DEGREES.

At the end of the day, what does it all mean? For people like Charlie Sheen, those egotistical leaders, all of the crazy crooks, critics, and the people that think it's really cool and powerful to cut us off in traffic, it means this, ladies and gentlemen: some people will have a bigger "P-Ness" than others. It doesn't pay to be mad, bashing or among the "haters" because your "P-ness" is small, or if it appears that you have no "P-ness" at all.

I'm just sayin'...try not to be overly concerned. Use THE POWER YOU HAVE in better and greater ways, because YOU CAN.


S.R.F.

I'M JUST SAYIN'

"THE NEW RESUME"

Yesterday I heard the news about Ted Williams' incredible turn of events. Word of "the man with the golden voice" traveled around the world faster than most news does. Like the majority of folks, I was in awe, but not the kind that at first response was elation for this man who I know in my heart is deserving of another chance. My brows furrowed and my head filled with questions: He used to do what? He was where? He is on national TV? He has had millions of hits on YouTube? My first thought was that the employment search strategy has taken a pretty interesting and incredible turn, too. I think Mr. Williams has just shown the world that "the new resume" is sweet, short and simple. Folks, take notice.

When I watched him this morning talking about his ups and downs, by the time he was finishing up the interview, I was so choked up that I could barely speak. Even so, I have to admit that my mind kept revisiting the thought that there obviously must be something going on out there in the world of job hunting that is much more effective and provocative than a "conventional little old resume". I say this tongue-in-cheek, but you know what I mean. People try to create and pay good money to prepare the kind of resume information that will "glow in the dark", one with terrific information, showcasing sterling talent and boasting of wonderful, credible personal and professional references. I know. I've had my feelers out for quite some time trying to land myself in the spotlight with a grand step into television, believing that I had something special to give to the lives of viewers and listeners all over the world. Gee Whiz. Ted Williams let me know that I've been doing it all wrong.

Trust me, I am truly considering now "the new resume", the kind that really gets the attention I deserve. No more great cover letters. No more talent resumes. No more sending out my talent DVD. I clearly see that I need a BIG SIGN, a really, really, really big sign stating my lofty goals and a major street corner to stand on. Don't get me wrong, I'm feeling the joy for Ted Williams. I'd like to see every homeless person off the street, and many would be if they were given an opportunity and a jump-start. The great message in all of this is that people are out there who can help, and they do when they pay attention and they realize it. I believe that's what his story is supposed to tell us.

Ted's story is the kind that is meant to inspire all of us, especially to give hope to every individual who thought that there was little possibility of a good life ahead. His story is supposed to jolt the thinking of anyone who has given up. His story is supposed to show us what mustard seed faith looks like. His story is supposed to tell us to work with what you've got, a black magic marker and a piece of cardboard box if that's all it is. He told his story. It was sweet, short and simple, and he held it up for the world to see.

So, right now I'm working on my new resume and it needs to be done right. I'm trying to decide if I should use the standard brown cardboard box, or a white one. I am wondering if I should write on the smooth side, or if the corrugated side would add more flair. I have all these magic marker colors to choose from, too, and that's just making this such a complicated decision. I've heard that blue is a very effective color for stuff like this, but then again, Ted used black so I will probably go with that. I am also thinking that maybe cursive would be better than just printing my letters. I think my new resume should be something a little more "girly" looking. Of course, I am considering if my font size should be just large or REALLY LARGE. I think I'll go with REALLY, REALLY LARGE. After all, I want the world to see it, and thanks to Ted Williams, I know how to get this done the right way now.

Ted, you've gotten a very special message across in more ways than one and I'm taking notice. I wish you much continued success because, yes, you really do deserve it. You are truly more than just the man with the golden voice, you are the man of the hour. Go, man!

Oh...I forgot to mention that I have my corner picked out, too. I just gotta finish my sign first. I'm just sayin'...

S.R.F

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